Deadliest Character
by Allforone56
Summary: This is a spoof of Deadliest Warrior. Pretty much all the characters from Tv, movies, games, and maybe some fighters that appeared in deadliest warrior.


I don't own Deadliest Warrior, or any characters that showed up. Please R n R, it would be good to get some kind of feedback.

* * *

_Medellin Cartel, Colombia's killer drug lords who built the world's largest cocaine empire._

(We see a few members guarding their drugs)

_Yakuza, the deadly underground crime organization of Japan_.

(We see members gun down a rival gang)

**WHO IS DEADLIEST!**

_Welcome to the fight club! Here we test the weapons of some of the deadliest warriors and characters. Today, we'll pit 2 crime gangs against each other. The Medellin Cartel and the Yakuza._

Medellin Cartel

Year: 1975

Height: 5'8"

Weight: 175 pounds

Country: Colombia

Yakuza

Year: 1947

Height: 5'6"

Weight: 150 pounds

Country: Japan

"I'm betting on the Cartel on this one," said Max. "They may not have the best of weapons, but being 30 years ahead of the Yakuza should give them a huge advantage."

"The Yakuza in my opinion will take this," said Georff. "The Cartel lost against the Somali Pirates and they aren't known to be the best of fighters. How can they win against an opponent who is as dedicated into their training as the Yakuza?"

On the side of the Cartel is Michael Blanco, son of Griselda Blanco and former Cocaine smuggler Kenny Gallo.

"The Yakuza doesn't stand a chance," said Michael. "If they try to get our Cocaine then they'll get what's coming."

"It took the help of the Us government to bring the Cartel down. Have I ever heard of Japan needing Us assistance to bring down the Yakuza," asked Kenny. "Thought so."

One the side of the Yakuza is Zero Kazama, who is trained in many of the Yakuza martial arts and David Kono, Yakuza descendant and historian.

"The Yakuza trained every day. The dedication and training of the Yakuza would certainly bring the Cartel to its knees," said Zero.

"The Cartel? They are good, but you can't compare the Cartel with the Yakuza. Simple as that," said David.

Medellin Cartel

Long range: M 60 Submachine gun

Middle range: Mini Uzi

Short range 1: Baseball Bat

Special: Machete

Explosive: Car Bomb

Yakuza

Long Range: British Sten

Middle Range: Walter P38

Short Range 1: Nunchaku

Special: Sai

Explosive: Ceramic Grenade

_First up are the Long Range weapons. The British Sten vs. the M 60._

M 60

Weight: 23.15 pounds

Range: 1200 yards

Size: 43.5 inches

Rpm: 600 m

British Sten

Weight: 7.1 pounds

Range: 60 m

Size: 29.9 inches

Rpm: 500

_In order to test the effectiveness of the weapons, our experts will have to go outside._

"All right Kenny you're up first," shouted Max.

_We'll simulate a typical Japanese market with 5 dummies._

"Are you ready," asked Georff.

Kenny got into position. "Ready," he replied

"**3 2 1 GO!"**

Kenny let it rip with his gun. Fruit and pieces of wood flew all over as the gun covered the dummies with bullets. During the carnage, the M60 stopped working. It was a jam. Fortunately, it took Kenny a couple of seconds to un jam the gun and continue. Just before he was finished, the gun jammed again. Kenny got it back working in a couple of seconds and finished.

Dorian inspected the dummies. "You don't need me to know that they are all dead. You got 3 that is covered with bullet holes in the chest and 2 that have been shot repeatedly in the face and neck area."

"That was pretty impressive, but having your gun jam is pretty much a death sentence," said Max.

_Our Yakuza experts aren't impressed_

"Not bad, but not good either," said Zero. "That gun jammed up 2 times. By the time you un jam it, you'll already be dead.

_Next up is the British Sten. The test will be the same test._

"Ready David," asked Georff.

"Ready," replied David.

**3 2 1 GO!**

David lifted his gun and fired. The bullets singed right into the dummies. In a couple of seconds, the dummies were also covered up with bullets.

"We got similar results from the British Sten," said Dorian.

"Well it didn't this long due to it not having jammed," replied Max.

So which gun gets the edge?

"I like the M60, as it is accurate and has a good range, but unfortunately, the British Sten wins due to the M60 jamming twice while the Sten didn't jam once," explained Georff.

_For Long Range, the Yakuza gets the edge for the British Sten_

**Edge- Yakuza**

_Now it is time to compare the Middle range weapons. The Mini Uzi and the Walter P 38_

Mini Uzi

Weight: 7.72 pounds

Length: 14.17

Range: 100 m

Walter P38

Weight: 1.12 pounds

Length: 8.5

Range: 50 m

"All right Zero, you'll go first." Said Max.

_In place are 5 dummies representing drug smugglers._

"Ready," asked Georff as he and everyone else gets out of the way.

"Ready," replied Zero.

3 2 1 GO!

Zero fired at the dummies. First 2 missed, but the 3rd one hits a dummy in the head. Another bullet hit a dummy in the throat. 2 more hit a dummy in the chest. One hits a dummy in the right eye and 2 more hit the last dummy in the face.

"Well you don't need me to know that they are all dead," said Dorian.

"That is some nice shooting," complimented Max.

"That my friend is the result of training daily," said Zero with a smug on his face.

_The Cartel experts aren't too impressed._

"I'll have to admit, he shoots pretty well," said Michael, but the Mini Uzi has one big advantage and that is that it is automatic.

_Now it's the Mini Uzi's turn. The test will be exactly the same as last time._

"Ready," asked Georff.

"Ready," replied Michael.

**3 2 1 GO!**

Michael fired at the dummies. Bullet after bullet jetted out of the barrel, filling the dummies with lead. In a couple of seconds, Michael fired all of his bullets.

"All of them are dead," said Dorian. "All of them are covered from head to toe in bullet holes."

_So which gets the edge?_

"The Walter is a very good gun, and is more concealable than the Mini Uzi, but the Mini Uzi wins because it is automatic," explained Max.

_The Medellin Cartel gets the edge for middle range with the Mini Uzi._

**Edge- Medellin Cartel**

_Now for short range weapons. The Baseball bat and the Nunchaku_

Baseball Bat

Length: 5 feet

Weight: 2 pounds

Substance: Wood

Nunchaku

Length: 18 inches

Weight: 1 pound

Substance: Wood with steel chain

"Going up first will be Kenny," said Max.

_To test the baseball bat, we have placed a pig _

Kenny positions himself like he was about to hit a baseball.

"You ready," asked Georff

"Ready," replied Kenny

**Go get him!**

Kenny swung the bat at the pig, hitting it in the back, breaking it. Kenny doesn't stop there though. He takes another swing, aiming right for the head. The bat collides with the head, breaking the skull of the pig.

Dorian goes to inspect the pig. "all right Kenny, you broke 3 bones in the back. That should maybe paralyze him, but then you swung at his head. You cracked the skull.

"Is he dead," asked Kenny.

"Yes he is dead," replied Dorian.

_The Yakuza experts aren't impressed._

"I doubt any Yakuza member is going to stand there and take a beating like that," said Zero. "I could easily block it."

_How will the Nunchaku compare?_

Zero does a bunch of flashy moves with the nunchaku before getting ready to strike the new pig they sent.

"You ready," asked Georff

"Ready," replied Zero

**GO!**

Zero yelled a battle cry before striking the pig with the nunchaku. Unfortunately, it doesn't do too much damage. Not one to give up, Zero whacks the pig again. Still, there isn't too much damage. Zero tried again, this time making a crack in the skull.

"Well that was nice done Zero," complimented Max.

"I don't know," disagreed Michael. "It looks like another tale of flash over substance.

_Which one gets the edge?_

"The Nunchaku weren't effective. It took 3 hits to get a crack in the skull, while the baseball bat actually broke the skull in one hit. To me, the edge goes to the Baseball Bat," explained Georff.

_In Short Range, the edge goes to the Medellin Cartel with the Baseball Bat._

**Edge- Medellin Cartel**

_Now it is time to test the special weapons. The Sais and the Machete_

Sai

Length: 16 inches

Weight: 1 pound

Substance: Steel

Machete

Length: 2 feet

Weight: 5 pounds

Substance: Steel

"All right Zero, you're up first," said Max.

_To test the weapons, we'll use a gel torso._

"Ready," asked Georff

"Ready," replied Zero.

**3 2 1 GO!**

Zero did a battle cry before jamming the sai into the chest. He stabbed the torso in the neck with his other Sai. He pulled them out and then jabbed the torso one last time before he stopped.

Dorian went to inspect the torso. "The first one nearly went into the ribcage. It wouldn't be a kill, but the 2nd one would have most definitely will. The last jab also nearly went into the ribcage.

_The Cartel Experts aren't impressed._

"Those things look a bit clumsy to use. Too clumsy," said Michael.

"It may look that way, but it is not. And besides, I could block your machete with the sais," argued David.

_Can the Machete compare to the Sais?_

"You ready," asked Georff, as Michael approached the fresh new gel torso.

"Ready," replied Michael.

**3 2 1 Go!**

"Where's my money," asked Michael as he slashed the hand off the gel torso. He then raised the machete up and brought it down on the shoulder of the torso. Finally, he rams the machete right through the chest. The machete went in so deep, it came out the back way.

"First you cut off his hand. Granted, it would take him a least an hour to die. Then you cut him in the shoulder. He would either be paralyzed or dead, but when you rammed the blade into his stomach, you actually went through him," reported Dorian.

_Which special weapon gets the edge? Our experts are divided_

"I'll have to go with the Sais on this one," said Max. "The machete does better damage, but it just isn't as versatile as the Sais. Not as maneuverable.

"Funny, I think the Machete is better just because it can do a lot more damage," replied Dorian

"I'll have to agree with Max on this one," said Georff. "With the two Sais, you can block with one and kill with the other. I'll have to give the machete credit though, it does a lot more damage."

_In Special weapons, the edge goes to the Yakuza with the Sais._

**Edge- Yakuza**

_The Car Bomb and the Ceramic grenade will go head to head. First up will be the Car Bomb. To test the bombs, we will have 5 dummies._

Kenny places the bomb inside an old banged up car that hasn't been running for a couple of years. He pulls out a remote control of some sort and waits for the signal to flip the switch.

"Ready to go," said Kenny.

**Get going!**

Kenny flips the switch. The bomb makes a small beep for 2 seconds before exploding. Car pieces, shrapnel, and everything between scattered. When the dust settles, we see that 5 dummies were blown to pieces.

"You don't have to be a doctor to know that all 5 are dead," exclaimed Dorian.

_But our Yakuza experts aren't impressed._

"Regular Yakuza members wouldn't stand around and let themselves be blown up," said Zero. "We'll be gone by the time you press the button.

_Now the Yakuza have their try with the ceramic grenade._

"You ready to blow up those dummies," asked Georff.

"Ready," replied David.

**Go!**

David lights the fuse and throws it at the dummies. The grenade explodes in 3 seconds, scattering shrapnel and creating a small explosion. When the dust settles, Dorian begins to check up on the dummies.

"I have some bad news for you David," said Dorian. "The bomb disoriented one guy, confused one guy, and left one dead, but the 2 others are fine and still fighting."

_Which gets the edge?_

"The Car bomb isn't as mobile as the Ceramic Grenade, but I think the damage speaks for itself in this one.

_In explosives, the Medellin Cartel gets the edge with the Car Bomb._

**Edge- Medellin Cartel**

_Now that the testing is complete it's time to see who is deadliest_

**Long Range- Yakuza: British Sten**

**Middle Range- Medellin Cartel: Mini Uzi**

**Short Range- Medellin Cartel: Baseball Bat**

**Special Weapons- Yakuza: Sais**

**Explosives- Medellin Cartel: Car Bomb**

_To prevent this match from being won by a lucky blow, we have run the simulation 1000 times. The battle will be a 6 on 6 squad battle._

"I can't wait to see how this match will turn out," said Max. " These are two sets of gangsters, who lost coming back for a second chance for victory."

With take Max presses on a button, starting the simulation

* * *

In some kind of Japanese port, right in front of a warehouse, there are 6 members of the Cartel waiting for their next costumer. The leader of the gang is identified rather easily. He is bigger than his cronies and sports a shiny orange jacket while others are wearing plain old black or brown. His name is Pablo. He is busy talking to one of his cronies in Spanish (of course). 1 with an M60 is dancing to Latin party for no reason, 1 with a Mini Uzi is just uh standing there. 1 is being a show off with his machete, and the last one is standing there.

Walking towards them is a band of Yakuza assassins. The leader stands out due to having a hat. His name is Tetsuro. He and 5 other gang members were on a mission: To kill Pablo. Tetsuro was carrying a Walter p38. One member carried a British Sten, one had a Nunchaku and a Walter, 2 had twin sais sais, and the last one for some odd reason is carrying a katana, a weapon that neither side carried.

As the Yakuza stepped closer and closer to the Cartel, the group stopped exactly what they are doing and eyed the approaching Yakuza. Their gut instincts tell them that something about this group seems a bit wrong.

_Cartel: 6_

_Yakuza: 6_

As the Yakuza neared their enemies, the Cartel with the M60 eyed on the Yakuza with the Sten. He sees the Yakuza member raise his weapon. "It's a machine gun," he warned in Spanish before firing his gun. The fellow with the katana didn't have time react before he was mowed down by the hail of bullets the Cartel shot out of his gun.

_Cartel: 6_

_Yakuza: 5_

The Yakuza members hid under some wooden boxes that were conveniently right next to them. The British Sten holding Yakuza stood up and fired at Pablo. Fortunately for the Cartel, Pablo managed to duck under the counter in time. Unfortunately, the same couldn't be said for the man, who Pablo was just talking to. Said man was shot in the chest. He was dead before he even hit the ground.

_Cartel: 5_

_Yakuza: 5_

Pablo pulled out a Mini Uzi from his pocket and began firing. The Yakuza with the Walter began firing as well. The two gangsters exchanged bullet for bullet until the Cartel with M60 stopped shooting. The gun just jammed at the time when he needed. As the Cartel tried desperately to un jam his weapon, Tetsuro pulled out a ceramic grenade, lit the fuse and lobbed the grenade over the counter. Pablo and his gang, seeing the grenade, ran inside the warehouse, except for the M60 holding man. He was too preoccupied with un jamming his weapon that he didn't notice the grenade. The Grenade exploded, sending shrapnel all over his face, and sending him flying backwards.

_Cartel: 4_

_Yakuza: 5_

Pablo and his cronies quickly decide to split up. 1 Cartel went behind a stack of boxes while 2 others raced upstairs. Pablo raced downstairs. Back outside, Tetsuro ordered his men to go inside to pursue the escaping Cartel. Tetsuro went inside followed by his friends, except for the man with the sten. He checked the sten; It was empty, and he didn't bring a spare magaizine, so he detched the sten and went inside. When all of his friends were outside, Tetsuro gave the order to split up. He figured that this way he could have a better chance at finding his target. 2 Yakuza ran upstairs, 1 ran down an aisle, and Tetsuro decided to follow his 2 comrades upstairs. The Yakuza who detched the sten scanned the area for any signs of danger. He passed by the stack of boxes that the Cartel member was hiding behind. Said Cartel member popped out with a Mini Uzi. The Yakuza member turned around, pulled out a pair of nunchaku and started swinging them around like expertly. The Cartel, not amused, simply rolled his eyes and pulled the trigger, riddling the Yakuza with bullets.

_Cartel: 4_

_Yakuza: 4_

The Yakuza in the aisle, hearing the gunshot, turned around and raced to where the gunshot came from. There we came across the Cartel with the Mini Uzi. The Cartel, spotting the Yakuza turned around to shot him, but the Yakuza beat him to it. The Yakuza pulled out his Walter and shot the Cartel before he had a chance to fire. The Yakuza, examining the dead body of his opponent, decides to go downstairs in search of Pablo.

_Cartel: 3_

_Yakuza: 4_

While running upstairs, the Cartel noticed a baseball bat lying there. The Cartel without anything picked it up. Soon the 2 began running again. The two ran to a hallway filled with doors. The two went into separate rooms. A moment later, Tetsuro and 2 cronies appeared in the hallway. Tetsuro ordered his men to split up into doors. A Yakuza member opened the door and found the Cartel with the machete. The Yakuza pulls out his twin sais and charges. The Cartel tries to bring the sword down on the shoulder, but his opponent rolled away. The Yakuza member jabbed with a Sai, but the Cartel dodges it and goes for a slice in the head. The Yakuza member tried to block it with a Sai, but instead, the Machete ends up cutting his hand off. Screaming in pain, the Yakuza couldn't do anything as the Cartel slashed his throat.

_Cartel: 3_

_Yakuza:3_

His friend, hearing the scream in pain, ran into the room with the Yakuza. He pulled out twin Sais of his own. The Cartel member smirked at the challenge and charged. Unfortunately, it doesn't prove to be a good move. As he goes in for a slash in the throat, the Yakuza successfully

blocked the machete and jammed his 2nd Sai into the Cartel's stomach. The Cartel coughed up blood for a little while before the Yakuza removed the Sai from his stomach and jabbed him in the throat. The Cartel hit the ground, dead.

_Cartel: 2_

_Yakuza: 3_

Pablo is walking down stairs when he heard footsteps. He aimed his Mini Uzi upstairs. He wanted to surprise whoever was following him. After 30 agonizing seconds, the Yakuza was in eyesight. Quickly, Pablo fired all of his bullets on the Yakuza member. The Yakuza member fell down the flight of stairs when it stopped, he was completely motionless. Pablo took the time to spit at the dead enemy before going back down stairs. He has a secret weapon of some sorts.

_Cartel: 2_

_Yakuza: 2 _

The Yakuza gang member with the Twin Sais exited out of the room and into another one. He had only taken a step when he was hit by a blunt object. The Carter holding the Baseball Bat took another swing, this time nailing the Yakuza member in the head. The Yakuza member fell down and lay helpless as the Cartel repeated whacked him in the head with the bat. The Cartel did this until he was certain that his adversary was dead. However, his victory was cut short when Tetsuro came in and before the Cartel could do anything, Tetsuro shot him in the head, instantly killing him. Figuring that Pablo may still be alive, he went downstairs.

_Cartel: 1_

_Yakuza:1_

Pablo walked until he was in a garage with a car of some sort. Recognizing it to be his car, he checked under the hood. There was a remote control of some sort. He checked under the car to see if the bomb he attached was there. Sure enough it was. Pablo grabbed the remote control, closed the hood of his car, put his keys in near sight and exited the garage, which was open. Pablo hid under a bench near the garage. A few minutes later, Tetsuro went inside the garage. The first instinct was to go check the car to see if his target was hiding inside. What he found was hundreds of millions of dollars in cash and drugs. You'd have to be a crazy man to even consider turn down so much money, so Tetsuro scanned for some keys. He found the keys, grabbed them, opened the car up and started the car. Pablo surely wouldn't have gone far. He could just find Pablo, run him over, and get the cash back to his hideout.

Pablo watched as his car rolled out of the garage and onto the road. He witnessed the car as it raced by him. With a smile, he flipped the switch into his remote control. The bomb made a loud beeping sound, getting Tetsuro's attention. In panic, he tried to get out of the car, but it was too late. The car exploded, instantly killing Tetsuro and showering the road with pieces of car and tire.

Pablo pulled out a cigarette and smoked in victory. Today he lives to sell drugs another day.

**WINNER: Medellin Cartel**

* * *

"The Yakuza did its best but in the end, the Medellin Cartel came out on top," said Max.

_The Medellin Cartel won about 55.9 percent. Their best weapon was the Mini Uzi_

_Medellin Cartel kills._

M 60: 200

Mini Uzi: 225

Machete: 35

Baseball Bat: 18

Car bomb: 81

**Total: 559**

_The Yakuza won about 44.1 kills. The British Sten was their best weapon, but it wasn't enough._

_Yakuza kills_

British Sten: 210

Walter: 120

Sai: 52

Nunchaku: 26

Ceramic Grenade: 33

**Total: 441**

"The Medellin's M60 was prone to jamming, but it's superior range and the Mini Uzi helped the Cartels win the match," explained Max.

"How did the Yakuza lose? The Medellin's had more modern weapons, but the Yakuza did give the Cartels a good fight due to their martial arts training, but martial arts don't mean too much in a gun fight," said Dorian.

Zero wasn't too happy about his lose. "I'll admit the Medellin Cartel had the better firepower, but in real life the honor and dedication would win the Yakuza the day."

"I respect the Yakuza, but when we are talking about deadliest warrior character, there is no comparison," said Michael, happy that he won.

Pablo is seen walking smoking the cigarette in front of the deadliest character logo.

* * *

Well what do you think? Read and Review please. Tell me if you thought the fight was good or bad or if you agree or disagree with the results. If you disagree, tell me why.


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